Lack of curiosity about the partner, keeping quiet about problems and neglecting intimacy can gradually drive even the closest couples apart
Five common mistakes can gradually undermine marriage without partners even realizing what is happening. Among them are the belief that we already know the person next to us completely, avoiding difficult conversations and turning the relationship into a series of daily duties.
American sexologist and therapist Dr. Tammy Nelson warns about these imperceptible threats to family relationships, quoted by the New York Post.
According to the specialist, a long-lasting marriage does not depend solely on the initial attraction or compatibility between two people. Equally important are their ability to communicate openly, adapt to change, and maintain interest in each other.
Research in the field of family psychology also shows a link between the quality of communication, a sense of emotional security, and satisfaction with partner relationships.
“Compatibility can mean different things to different people at different times. A relationship goes through stages of development just like we do“, explains Nelson.
1. The belief that we already know everything about our partner
One of the most common mistakes in long-term relationships is losing curiosity about the person next to us.
At the beginning of a relationship, partners usually show a strong interest in each other. They want to learn more about each other's dreams, fears, desires, and experiences.
Over time, however, this curiosity often gives way to the feeling that we already know the person next to us completely.
According to Nelson, it is this process that can gradually weaken the attraction.
“This is how we fall in love - when someone shows curiosity about us“, the therapist explains.
The problem is that people are constantly changing. Their preferences, goals, and ideas about the future do not remain the same throughout their lives.
That's why the specialist advises partners to continue asking each other questions, even after decades of living together.
What excites the person next to us right now? What new desires do they have? How do they imagine the future? What makes him happy?
Nelson notes that the attention of an outsider sometimes seems especially attractive precisely because it brings the feeling that someone is again showing a sincere interest in our personality.
2. Avoiding difficult conversations
Many couples consider the lack of conflict as proof that their relationship is harmonious. However, according to Nelson, this is not always the case.
Sometimes partners have simply stopped discussing the topics that worry them.
The reason may be a fear of scandal, a reluctance to hurt the other person, or the belief that the conversation will not lead to change.
In this way, unspoken disappointments gradually accumulate.
“Pay attention to the things you don't talk about and ask yourself why“, the specialist advises.
Among the most frequently avoided topics are money, sex life, unmet needs, and differences in expectations.
According to the therapist, the bigger problem is not always the couples who argue, but those who gradually stop communicating.
This does not mean that frequent scandals are beneficial. The way partners express their disagreement is important.
A constructive conversation involves listening, respecting, and being willing to understand, not blaming or trying to dominate.
3. Constant dissatisfaction with sex life
Intimacy is another area where couples can unknowingly create tension.
According to Nelson, a common mistake is to focus sex conversations solely on the shortcomings – what the partner doesn't do, why intimate contact has become less frequent, or what doesn't meet expectations.
Such an approach easily provokes a defensive reaction, feelings of guilt, or a sense of rejection.
Instead, the therapist recommends starting conversations with positive experiences.
Partners can share what they like about their intimate relationship, what moments they remember fondly, and what they would like to experience more often.
This creates a more conducive atmosphere for discussing wants and needs.
“Whether you're a new couple or you've been together forever, start with something you appreciate, and then share what you'd like to have more of“, advises Nelson.
According to her, expressing gratitude can be much more beneficial to intimacy than the constant pointing out of shortcomings.
4. Turning marriage into a list of duties
Bills, work, children, housekeeping and organization of daily life - over the years, these responsibilities can take up almost all the space in the relationship.
Nelson defines this state as the "maintenance" mode.
It is necessary because every family has practical tasks that need to be performed.
The problem arises when the relationship is limited only to them.
Partners begin to talk mainly about purchases, bills, commitments and household problems, and the time for shared experiences gradually decreases.
According to the therapist, every relationship also needs a "development" mode - opportunities for new experiences, personal growth, and joint discovery of interesting activities.
This could be a trip, a new hobby, visiting an unfamiliar place, or simply a change in the usual program.
The experiences do not have to be expensive or unusual. What is important is that partners continue to create shared memories.
Nelson emphasizes that balance is essential. Too much routine can lead to boredom, but the constant search for new experiences can also be exhausting.
Sustainable relationships need both stability, closeness, and space to develop.
5. Suppressing positive feelings
The last mistake seems insignificant, but according to the specialist, it can have a serious impact on emotional closeness.
Many people feel love, tenderness or gratitude for their partner without expressing them in words.
They assume that their feelings are obvious and do not need constant confirmation.
However, Nelson believes that sharing positive emotions is an important part of maintaining a relationship.
Sometimes even a very brief acknowledgment can have a strong impact.
Telling your partner that you feel calm in their presence, that you enjoy hugging them or that you are grateful for their support can increase the feeling of closeness.
According to the therapist, it is also useful for people to pay attention to their own bodily reactions – the warmth, peace, or excitement they feel when they think of their loved one.
Expressing these experiences helps the other person feel valued and desired.
What really sustains a marriage?
Dr. Tammy Nelson's main message is that a long-term relationship cannot be sustained solely thanks to the love that existed in the beginning.
Over time, people change, and their relationships change with them.
Therefore, a successful marriage requires a constant willingness for partners to get to know each other again, to talk about difficulties, and to show appreciation for each other.
It's not about continuous romantic gestures or a perfect relationship without conflict, but about conscious attention to the person with whom we share our life.
Sometimes the most important change begins not with a big decision, and with a simple question: “How are you feeling lately?“.